Being Understood Makes You Want to Run

Someone gets it. They understand what you have been trying to explain for so long, see the pattern you have been avoiding, know what you need before you have to ask, and your first instinct is to leave.

Being understood should feel like you have been rescued. Someone finally gets it, someone finally sees what’s been true all along, but instead of relief, there’s panic. The panic that comes from being known, or from having someone understand you so completely that they could hurt you with that knowledge if they wanted to.

As long as nobody really gets you, you are safe. Their not understanding is protection. But this person understands and now you are vulnerable in ways you weren’t before. They could predict what you are feeling, know when you are lying, and see through the defenses that have been keeping you separate and protected.

You want to be understood so badly but you also want to stay safe and those two things are in direct conflict. Understanding requires vulnerability, letting someone close enough to actually see what’s there, and trusting that their understanding won’t be used as a weapon later.

The instinct to run is powerful because running means going back to being misunderstood which feels safer than being known. Misunderstanding maintains distance and it keeps you separate and protected. Understanding brings someone too close and the closeness is terrifying even though it’s what you have wanted.

Maybe the discomfort will fade if you stay long enough, or maybe being known gets easier after the initial panic, or maybe the safety of being understood outweighs the vulnerability of it, but right now in this moment when someone actually gets you, running feels like the only option.

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