That Numb Feeling That Might Be Depression or Might Just Be Life

Everything is fine and also nothing is fine and somehow both of these things are true at the same time. The life that exists is the life that was supposed to be wanted and it’s here and the feeling about it is completely absent. Whether that’s clinical or whether that’s just accuracy is unknowable.

Waking up and going through the day and going to bed happens the same way it happened yesterday and will happen tomorrow. The routine is established and working and the person inside it is completely disconnected from it. Everything gets done without any enthusiasm or resistance, just the steady motion of time passing while someone watches it pass.

Other people seem to feel things about their lives and that seems normal and fine and some people also seem to feel nothing and that seems normal too. It’s unclear which version is the default and which version is broken. Maybe everyone feels nothing and just talks about it differently. Maybe everyone feels everything and this person just has a problem with the feeling apparatus. There’s no way to know.

The things that are supposed to help don’t seem to be helping or maybe nothing is supposed to help and the idea that something could help is just false hope people sell each other. Doing the recommended things produces no shift in the flatness. Resting produces nothing. Engaging produces nothing. Trying produces nothing. The world stays exactly as uninteresting as it was before the trying.

Sleep is the only time the existence stops requiring effort. Waking is when the effort begins again. The day has to be gotten through and it gets gotten through because stopping isn’t an option. The stopping would create problems so the going continues even when going has no purpose that can be felt.

Describing this to anyone lands wrong no matter how it’s phrased. Saying nothing feels good sounds like depression to some people and like honesty to others. Saying life feels pointless sounds like a crisis to some and like philosophy to others. There’s no way to say what’s actually happening that lands as true to the person saying it and gets received as matching what’s actually happening.

The waiting to see if this changes happens alongside the wondering whether changing anything would matter. If things improved, would they feel like improvement or would they just feel like different flatness? If nothing changed, would that be tragic or would it just be more of the same? The questions don’t have answers that create clarity.

Time passes and the numbness remains consistent. Weeks go by without anything landing as important or meaningful or even particularly unpleasant. Things just happen and then are over and then other things happen. The days accumulate without leaving marks.

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