What Relationships Look Like When You Stop Defending Your Decisions

Explanation has a limit. It is not just a theoretical limit or one that only exists in the mind, but a very real one in the body. Every questioning look is a question itself. Every silence is waiting. The feeling that in each conversation we are on trial with the verdict already made and they are only waiting for the proof becomes more and more prevalent. The cost of that, over time, gets more and more obvious. The ability to explain exhausts much faster than the ability to decide ever did, so it stops.

It stops the way a thing does when it has run out of its reason. The position is already understood, accepted without the need for explanation. What comes next is a bizarre state, something more disorienting. People change their way of speaking and conversations become shorter. There are gaps where previously there was reassurance.

For those who are used to complete openness, this might be very uncomfortable. Instead of conflict, there is confusion. There is no anger, only the feeling of not knowing anymore where things stand. Explaining was for a long time the means of signaling that everything was alright, that the connection was there. Without it, some relationships get into different ways of functioning. To convince others is replaced by being there. Emotional translation disappears, being substituted by a more mature form of respect that carries more weight than persuasion.

Not all relationships are as lucky. Distance reveals the factual basis of closeness. In some instances, it wasn’t even understanding, but it was access, the ability to ask, get, and be taken through one’s inner decision. This is especially hard for people brought up in environments where harmony was dependent on constant articulation, and where one’s feeling of belonging was gained through thorough explanation. To hold back may seem like rejection, stubbornness or that one is withholding warmth, but it is self-respect.

Many​‍​‌‍​‍‌​‍​‌‍​‍‌ times, the temptation to satisfy that desire and go back to the old ways is powerful. Just say a few words, fix things, and get back to the old ways. The desire is strong because the explanation was once the coat that protected. When you let it go, you feel naked, but the lesson is being grasped little by little.

A person who does not manipulate the story to stay safe, who does not need incessant reassurance to remain close, who honors decisions without asking for an explanation, where words stop serving as the entry and serve as the exit, where windows close less and close better, and life from this point on runs simpler.

The habit of carrying the comfort of other people is gone. Relationships are lived in reality instead of being perpetual negotiations. A different kind of closeness develops, which is less based on agreement and more on mutual respect. Conversations become dialogues instead of talks. Some connections are severed. Those which remain deepen, no longer being supported by explanation.

Discomfort​‍​‌‍​‍‌​‍​‌‍​‍‌ is inherent in this phase. Readiness is something that will come later. Boundaries extend beyond language to behavior that is lived. That visibility alters the field. Some people move forward. Others move back. Both responses are essential.

The result is dire. A change of acting style to internal alignment without seeking endorsement, albeit briefly, changes the social terrain. The person’s relationships change. This is also the person’s inner serenity, which comes from not being weighed down with carrying explanations everywhere, in the hope that they will ‍​‌‍​‍‌​‍​‌‍​‍‌suffice.

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